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What You Hear & What I Want To Say, Jongyu

Title: What You Hear & What I Want To Say
Rating: PG
Pairing: Onew/Jonghyun
Wordcount: 2736
Prompt: "Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them." -J.K. Rowling
Disclaimer: Me no own-y SHINee *sad face*
Symmary: Where Jinki is in love with Jonghyun for more than fireflies, and all Jonghyun wants is a snow globe with possibly a few fireworks in the background.
AN: This is my first attempt at a shawol_haven entry. It's almost 2am here, I'm exhausted and i have no idea if this is any good. But I hope you guys like it anyway! XD


There were lots of fireflies that year. Jonghyun always loved catching them. He would catch them for me so I could watch their little lights buzz around in the jars at night. I was pretty much in love with him, but he didn’t know that. He just liked making all his friends happy.

He was the kind of friend who would skip school to watch Taemin’s dance contests. He was the kind of friend who would play sports with Minho even though he knew he was going to lose. He was the kind of friend who would go shopping with Key even though he hated shopping. And he was the kind of friend who noticed when I needed to be cheered up.

There was one other thing he enjoyed a lot. It was the only thing I actually knew about him other than the fact that he was incredibly kindhearted. He had a collection of snow globes. A few times, I had debated buying him a snow globe, but I always decided against it. Somehow, I always figured it was something kind of personal for him, and buying a snow globe as a present would make him feel awkward.

But that year, I was trying to be more daring. I had told Kibum that I was in love with Jonghyun. He told me just to go for it. There was always the possibility that he could like me back. And if he didn’t like me back, Kibum assured me that there was someone in the world for me. There was someone for everyone.

“I love you,” I blurted out one day. Jonghyun had asked me that awkward question regarding whether or not I liked anyone. When those three words came out, he looked completely horrified as his eyes became bigger than I had ever seen them, and his lips clamped shut. I wanted to take it back. So I forced out a laugh and acted like he had fallen for some kind of prank. “Just kidding, just kidding.” I laughed. “Jeez, and you call me the gullible one.”

The relief that washed over his face almost broke my heart as his beautiful laugh slipped easily from his lips. “Jesus, Jinki! You nearly gave me a heart attack!”

The rest of the day I felt upset, but whenever anyone asked me if something was wrong, I would deny it to no end. However, that night, I went home after a late evening in the library and found a jar of lightning bugs sitting on my doorstep. The note with it read: Cheer up! :) It was written in his slightly messy handwriting.

I put the glowing jar on my windowsill.

-----

It was a little later in the year that we hung out together for the first time in what seemed like ages. After dropping off yet another jar of fireflies at my house the night before, he figured we needed to spend some time together like real friends. He also mentioned that getting out instead of studying all night like I usually did would make me livelier. I probably had to agree with him there.

“What do you want to do today?” he asked me. Why did that question sound so awkward in my head?

Hug you. Kiss you. Just be near you. “I don’t know,” I answered instead. “I kind of just want to walk around for a while. That is, if you won’t get bored.”

“No, it’s fine. I kind of want to do the same thing,” he told me with a genuine smile.

So for the next hour or so, we just walked around the mall, looking for something, anything, interesting. We window shopped, went into random shores, but we didn’t buy anything. Then we walked by another. Jonghyun stopped and went back to look in the window.

“Find something you’re interested in?” I asked. Jonghyun didn’t answer; he merely continued to stare at what was behind the glass. I turned my gaze away from his beautiful features to see what he was staring at. It was a snow globe. A snow globe with a miniature version of the city held within it. Jonghyun looked at it longingly for a long moment before turning away from it without a word. I went in and quickly bought it.

He didn’t really seem to notice the bag as we continued to walk on. It was a couple minutes later that we decided it was getting late enough to have some fun with fireworks (or at least sparklers). We went to the nearest place that sold them and just bought about one hundred sparklers and a few real fireworks that we could shoot up into the sky.

When we got back to my place, we shot off those first. We got a little bored after shooting half of them from the middle of the street. It was too ordinary, even for fireworks. So instead, Jonghyun had the bright idea to place one on top of my neighbor’s mailbox and set it off. By the time it took off, there were significant black scorch marks on the metal of the mailbox and the pressure had caused the box flap to fall open. It was somewhat comical to watch. We weren’t even paying attention to the fireworks anymore.

Then we decided we were going to try something else. So we put some firecrackers in a water bottle and screwed on the lid as fast as we could. By the time those went off, we were about ten feet away (just in case it exploded). It was entertaining to see the plastic bottle jump two or three feet in the air. The left over water however looked completely disgusting after the black powder was released into it.

Finally, we came to the sparklers. I lit a few at a time and ran around the streets laughing. He also lit a few and chased me around. Every time my sparklers would go out, I would frown and Jonghyun would hand me another one with his trademark smile attached to the colored sparks. God, he was beautiful.

We weren’t even halfway through all the sparklers when something went wrong. We were chasing each other around again and the colors were flying and we were as happy as ever. But then I turned back to look at him and he had stopped running.

I stopped running.

He collapsed on the cement in a heap, his sparkler dying a short way away from him. Mine went into the air without really thinking about it.

-----

I didn’t know what exactly was wrong with him, but it was apparently not good. His parents left his room with devastated looks across their faces, and when they finally let me in to see him, he looked completely lost in another world, broken, and scared out of his mind. He didn’t seem to register that I was even there.

I waited silently. I wasn’t going to force him to talk. I was just going to wait until he said something to me. The first day I was there, we said nothing to each other.

The second day I was there, I held his hand and we talked a little.

The third day I was there, I brought the snow globe. I walked in with the paper bag. He immediately noticed it. “What is that?” he asked.

When I pulled the globe out, I turned it upside down so the glitter went to the top and then wound up the little key on the bottom to start the music. When I finally placed it right-side up on the bedside table, he looked at me with stunned and confused eyes.

“I love you, Jonghyun.” When he raised his eyebrow, I was forced to add, “I’m not kidding this time. Actually, I wasn’t kidding the last time either.” His eyes widened impossibly again and I felt my heart breaking.

“Jinki…I…” Jonghyun began, but he didn’t know what to say. He ran his fingers through his hair in a frustrated fashion. But I couldn’t take it anymore. So I stood up and made to leave. “Jinki, wait!”

I was halted by his voice, but I didn’t turn to look at him. I could already hear the rejection in his voice. “No, it’s fine. You don’t have to say anything,” I told him quietly. “Just forget about it. It’s no big deal. I don’t care.” That was a blatant lie, and we both knew it. Of course I cared, but it wasn’t like I could force him to love me back. So I just ran from the room before he could refute me.

I spent the night at Kibum’s house. He didn’t seem to mind. We talked about it mostly. He said I would never get over it if I didn’t talk about it.

“Jinki, I’m sorry it turned out like this,” Kibum murmured as I cried on his shoulder. He always told me that I was the only one who could get away with ruining his shirts that way. No one else was quite as close to him as I was. (That didn’t stop him from picking on me though.)

“Maybe I was just being stupid again.” It seemed I was always being stupid. I had a knack for choosing precisely the things that were worst for me. This time, I had messed up in two ways: I had absolutely no doubt that Jonghyun was straight, and I was pretty sure he was dying. No one had ever really told me what was going on with his health. I had to guess what was generally going on.

And yet, there I was, still madly in love with Kim Jonghyun.

“I’m such an idiot,” I grumbled through my tears. “Stupid, stupid, stupid idiot.” Each word I spoke was punctuated with my fist lightly hitting myself on the head.

I really only told him because I knew time was running out.

-----

Even after everything, I still went to see him the next day and the next. He pretended like I hadn’t said anything to him regarding certain subjects. I was very grateful to him for that. Instead, we talked about other things. He was clearly trying to take his mind off of something. But sadness returned to his eyes every time his gaze fell on the lonely snow globe on his table.

Finally, I just held his hand and he squeezed mine as hard as he could.

I knew what was wrong then.

Slowly, I got up from my chair and sat on the edge of his hospital bed. He leaned on my shoulder and just started crying. “I’m scared, Jinki. I’m so terrified. I don’t want to die.” Then the tears came to my own eyes as he confirmed my suspicions. I wrapped my arms around his shaking figure.

“It’s alright to be scared,” I whispered to him. “Everything is going to be alright. It’s okay. It’s okay.” I continued whispering to him like that until his tears subsided and he was asleep in my arms. However, my tears never stopped the whole time I was there.

The next morning, he was gone. I was not okay.

-----

I wandered around all day, trying to gather every memory I had left of him. I was an empty shell of who I used to be. I didn’t talk to friends or smile or even read like I usually did. I just walked the mall, looking for places where a single memory would pop up, or I would stop by the school and find his locker, I would even head in the direction of his house even though it was the most painful place to visit because it was so heavily influenced by Jonghyun that tears came to my eyes just imagining him running out the front door or waving from his window or shouting from inside that he would be out in a second and then take half an hour.

After a couple hours, I decided to just head home for the night. I was just going to head to bed, but then I thought of all those unused sparklers. I thought they might cheer me up, so I grabbed them all and a matchbox and went outside. As I lit one after another, I tried to smile as I ran around, the colors flying in the wind, but it wasn’t the same.

I continued to force that broken smile on my face. Jonghyun would want me to smile. I wanted to smile for him. I wanted to so badly. But when the last sparkler died a few inches up the stick in my hand, I just stood in the middle of the street, staring at it.

The tears began to slip from my eyes once more. I threw the dead sparklers in the trash and went straight to my room.

Upon opening the door, I realized something seemed off. Something was not right to me. After a quick scan of my room, I realized what it was and the tears intensified.

Every single one of the fireflies in the last jar that Jonghyun had given me, were dead. There were no little lights buzzing around the jar for me to find comfort in, and from that day forward, there never would be again. No one was going to bring me fireflies anymore.

Angrily, I took the jar of dead fireflies and threw it at my wall. It shattered into a million pieces of glass and the little dead bugs fell among the pieces. I had had enough memories for one day. I didn’t want any more. They were too heavy to bear.

That was when I noticed an unfamiliar looking book on my bed. There was a little note attached to the cover that I pulled off first. It was from my parents. It said the book had belonged to Jonghyun and that his parents wanted me to have it.

I stared at it for what seemed like a long time. I didn’t know what was inside it that they wanted me to have, but I almost couldn’t bring myself to open it and find out. However, I slowly reached forward and lifted the book in my hands. It took me another couple minutes before I actually opened it.

It was his diary. I glanced at certain pages and the read full pages of other parts. Most of it was uninteresting things about how annoying a certain teacher was or how evil Kibum had been on a certain day or how ruthless Minho was at sports or how poor Taemin had missed the trophy at his contest by half a point.

I stopped when I saw my name.

Jinki was acting weird today.
He randomly told me he loved me
and then went on to say it was only
a joke. But strangely, it didn’t feel
like a joke. Should I have said
something?


I stiffened. So he knew something was up that day. I skipped a bunch of pages and miraculously landed on the page I was dreading.

He wasn’t joking. Jinki loves me.
But I don’t know what I’m feeling
about this whole thing. I’m so
confused. And what if I do love him?
I’m stuck in this hospital, dying. I
can’t do that to him.


It took a lot longer to read that one. My tears were blurring my vision so badly that the words were near impossible to read. Then I turned to the next page and my heart broke further and further.

Jinki, I love you. I’m sorry I didn’t
realize this until now.


I threw the book across the room and cried out as my heart screamed in agony. I had been stupid. But apparently, he had been stupid as well. I had been right all along.

I chose Jonghyun and now he was gone. I was going to be living with that pain for a long time to come. I only pray that Jonghyun’s guilt towards me didn’t carry over into his afterlife. We had both been stupid. We were both human. We aren’t perfect, and we often chose exactly, specifically, precisely, the things that are worst for us.

We all get hurt in the end. And battle scars left by love never disappear.

“Did you like my snow globe? You never said…”

Comments

linnhe
May. 1st, 2011 12:38 pm (UTC)
I would even head in the direction of his house even though it was the most painful place to visit because it was so heavily influenced by Jonghyun that tears came to my eyes just imagining him running out the front door or waving from his window or shouting from inside that he would be out in a second and then take half an hour.

I almost cried at this paragraph.

I read your Big Bang entry a little while ago and thought you had a wonderful writing style so when this popped into view I was rather excited to read it. I love all the glints of fire in your story; the fireflies, the sparklers, the glitter in the snowglobe, it's like you're mixing fairytale elements with reality.

A beautiful story <3
olebade
May. 1st, 2011 06:08 pm (UTC)
awwwwwww im sorry im such a gloomy writer! :(

hehe, i don't know where my big bang entry came from, but a lot of people seemed to like it. :D

O_O i didn't even notice that the things i was using were "glints of fire" lol. i was just writing about simple things :)

im glad you liked it! thanks for reading! :)

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