Summary: I wasn't in love with him yet; at least, I don't think I was. We hadn't even known each other for very long, but the things that life threw at me were not fair, and I didn't know how to handle them.
AN: Sequel to 'Without a Word' I wrote this because people asked for a sequel :D
I left school feeling quite good. Maybe it had something to do with the inspirational speaker the school had brought for an assembly that day, but maybe it was because Jinki had acknowledged my presence for the first time with that adorable smile and a small wave of his hand. I was absolutely on air and I nearly ran into a pole as I walked to my bus, which garnered funny looks from those who walked behind me. I blushed.
After getting home, I turned on my computer and began to browse the net. I was such a lazy student. I completely ignored my homework until the last possible moment. I could do math in a few minutes, half an hour tops, I could BS an essay in a half hour and still get an A-, and I could butcher my language studies and still manage to pass the class. Teachers loved me as long as they didn’t know about all that.
I was reading something from the online paper when a random window popped up from my instant messenger. I looked at the screen name and didn’t know who it was. The name read, ‘Dubu’.
Hi, it said.
My fingers hesitated on the keyboard. Then I began to type. Um, hi. Sorry, but who are you?
I waited for a reply and one came quickly. Oh sorry. This is Jinki, Jonghyun’s and Minho’s friend. They gave me your messenger address.
My mouth hung open in surprise as I stared at the name on the screen in front of me. My heart started to thump wildly in my chest like it had started to do just recently when I was walking behind him or past him. It wasn’t supposed to be doing it when I couldn’t even see him. But maybe it was because I was actually getting a chance to talk to him.
First thing he told me was that he just wanted to get to know me. Our circles of friends were more or less the same. Obviously there were a few people I hung out with that he didn’t and vice versa, but he tried to get to know as many as people as possible. That little fact made my happy smile falter a little. I wasn’t special. There was no way he was ever going to notice me.
We talked for a long time about so many things I can’t remember, I just remember that when he told me he had to go to bed, I felt upset. But I typed a goodbye and he told me he would see me at school before he left his account. Then I went and labeled the address he had used as ‘Jinki’ instead of ‘Dubu’. I found myself making mental notes to ask later what the meaning behind that name was.
We talked a little more after that. It still wasn’t much, but we at least smiled and laughed with each other now. I was talking to him like I had wanted. Like I felt I so desperately needed. And yet, I still found myself staring at his back whenever he would walk away, and every smile he cast in my direction was worth the world to me. I still don’t think he noticed, but I tried to ignore the gurgling feeling in my stomach that was making me feel a little ill.
One day, he came to school in a foul mood. Everyone asked what was wrong, but he brushed them all off and entered the library where I had first seen him that day during my sophomore year. I took a breath and followed him. I entered to see him sitting in the very corner of the library, his nose pressed into a book on medical terms.
“Jinki,” I said only loud enough for him to hear me. He didn’t look up. “I’m here for you if you ever want to talk.” I turned to leave, but I felt his fingers close around my wrist and yank me down next to him. His face never left his book, and I frown that I could only see evidence of a frown on his forehead remained firmly in place. Honestly, I felt scared. That was the first time I had ever felt anything but warmth radiate from Jinki.
We skipped class together as he just sat there with me next to him. I was going to be in so much trouble when I got home and my parents got the call that I was not in class, but Jinki seemed to need me more than I realized at the time, but he wasn’t crying or yelling. I didn’t know what was going on in his mind at all.
“My mom is sick.” he finally whispered. “She’s in the hospital. I don’t know what to do, Kibum.” His voice was so dead. I almost wanted to hug him and tell him that it was going to be alright. That everything was going to work itself out. But I didn’t move, neither did he. I didn’t say a word either, and he didn’t continue. After about an hour of sitting there, the librarian finally came around and scolded us before promptly sending us back to class.
I always felt guilty that I didn’t say anything to Jinki about his mother. I cried for him later since he seemed unwilling to cry himself.
About a week later, he was almost completely back to normal. His mother was still in the hospital however, but the doctors had told him she could leave within a few days. However, he seemed to avoid me a little more. It was like the beginning all over again.
After that day in the library, I questioned what I really felt for Jinki. Was it just friendship? Was it love? Was it somewhere in between? Our friendship had only begun at this point and I don’t think I was quite in love with him either. It must have been something in between. Maybe I was in ‘like’ with him? That was probably as close as I was going to get in terms of a label.
One night, I got on my messenger again. He was on, but after what seemed like a long time of waiting for him to send a message first, I finally opened up my own box. I typed three words to him and then abruptly made myself invisible to him.
I like you.
He didn’t talk to me for a few days. I assumed it was because he didn’t want to have anything to do with me. He didn’t like me back. Just like that, our short friendship ended. I was back to staring at his back every single day. I’m sure he noticed now, but he never looked at me once. The face I wished to see so much never showed itself.
I wanted it back. I just wanted to be able to talk to him again, but no matter what I did, he ignored me and ran off with Jonghyun and Minho. The thing about sharing circles of friends was that you were never not reminded of the one you wished to forget. I always heard more and more about Jinki and the weird things he would do for weeks after I told him those three words over the messenger.
So I made a deal with myself, I was going to get rid of those feelings and just be his friend. I could do that, right? I had done it so many times before with guys that didn’t like me back. Why would this time be any different? At least, that’s what I told myself.
It took me another week to tell him so through my messenger.
I’ll fall out of like with you if you will just be my friend again. I waited for a little while, but then I gave up and decided to exit out of my messenger. Then I saw the notice that he was typing something. A reply. So I stopped and waited for him to finish. When he posted it, I frowned.
Go ahead and fall out of like with me. he wrote. I almost exited the chat, but looked down to my keyboard to type a short reply.
Alright, I will. But when I looked back up at the screen, he had written another message that I hadn’t seen before posting my own.
Fall out of like with me, but fall in love with me as soon as possible. he said. So the chat looked a little something like:
J: Go ahead.
J: Fall in love with me soon.
K: I will
J: Go ahead
K: I will
J: Fall in love with me soon.
I quickly exited the chat embarrassedly. The next day, Jinki stared at me with a different look about him. I just smiled awkwardly and began to leave for my classes. I felt a hand slide into mine as I walked.
AN: I don't like this one as much, but I hope you enjoyed it. This is based on more events of my life. This was based on the beginning of my first real relationship. (Honestly, I cried a little while writing this because that relationship didn't turn out very good. We don't even speak anymore.)
- Current Music:Bye Bye Sea - The Starlight Is Falling